


Kravitz Learns He's a Cat Person

by MercuryHomophony



Series: Behold the Field in Which I store my Headcannons (TAZ) [14]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Many Good Dogs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-14 11:53:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13589511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MercuryHomophony/pseuds/MercuryHomophony
Summary: Kravitz: (Wearing a shirt that says "No Fear")Magnus: (Walks in, Wearing a shirt that says "Dogs")Kravitz: (Wearing a shirt that says "One Fear")





	Kravitz Learns He's a Cat Person

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thebravelittlemonkey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebravelittlemonkey/gifts).
  * Inspired by [All Dogs Go to Heaven](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13567959) by [thebravelittlemonkey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebravelittlemonkey/pseuds/thebravelittlemonkey). 



> Thanks TheBraveLittleMonkey for letting me write this idea :3 hope you enjoy it!

Kravitz was pretty pleased with himself when he managed to get home early. He had promised Taako that this latest bounty would take no more than three days, plenty of time for him to get back before the vacation weekend they’d planned.

He’d finished it in a single day.

“Taako!” he called as he stepped through the rift into the living room. “Are you home?”

There was no response. He moved over to the window, tugging the curtain open. Nighttime… early, it looked like. Taako should be home by now…

He hoped he hadn’t woken him.

“Taako?” he asked quietly, pushing open the door to their bedroom. It was just as he’d left it this morning, sheets tucked in on his side, loose and in disarray on Taako’s side… but no sign of the elf himself.

He fished his Stone of Farspeech from his tattered black robe, telling himself not to be nervous as it rung Taako’s frequency. “Taako?”

It lit up almost instantly, which was a relief. “Hey bone daddy, how’s the reaping going?”

He chuckled, despite himself, at the name. “It’s done, love,” he said, pacing his way back towards the kitchen. “I managed to get the slip on them, and wrapped things up nicely.”

Taako made a pleased sound over the stone. “That’s great, Kr- _no, hey,_ no, _get back you mongrel_.” His voice pulled away at the end, before coming back. “Where are you?”

“ _I_ _’m_ at home, Taako, where are _you_?”

“I’m - urgh, hold on.” He heard the rough sounds of Taako covering his stone, then, faintly, Taako calling _“Agnes! Boychik, get this carpet bag outta the kitchen, it won’t- okay. Great.”_ Kravitz waited patiently for a moment longer, now with a fair idea of where Taako had gone. The wizard confirmed it a moment later when his voice returned. “Ango and I are over at Maggie’s, he had to make some fuckin… _emergency_ woodworking call, and needed someone to watch the _horde_ of _beasts_ he calls _dogs_. I didn’t think you’d be back so soon, but I should be home by tomorrow morning, if you’re missing my cute face.”

“No need to wait, I’ll come to you,” he said fondly, summoning his scythe with an easy gesture. Taako hummed in approval.

“Sweet. Oh! Just make sure you rift in _outside_ the front door. I don’t want any doggos hopping through into our digs, ‘kay?”

“Understood. Love you.” As a skeleton, his skull was stuck in a perpetual grin - still, he felt it widen as Taako made his usual set of “fucking sappy boyfriend” protest noises.

“…I love you too,” he finally murmured, and the light went out on the Stone of Farspeech.

It took Kravitz only a second to tear a rift to Magnus’s porch, and he could immediately hear the sound of something moving behind the front door. Behind him, the rift sealed itself, and he opened the door and stepped inside.

—

Taako had finally, _finally_ managed to get _all_ the freaking hellhounds out of the kitchen so he could whip up something for himself and Angus for dinner.

Well, himself and Ango and Krav, he amended to himself, looking over the pittance of a pantry Magnus kept with a disapproving ‘tsk.’ It was bad enough he’d left all his monster-pooches running wild around the _house_ instead of the Hammer and Tails _kennel_ when he’d left, but to leave him and poor Agnus with so little to sustain themselves on?

Rude.

He picked up a box of pasta from one shelf, looking over the rest of the goods critically. There was a can of beans; maybe add a little transmutation, and he could -

A scream broke through his chefly musings. Not just any scream - _Kravitz_ _’s_ scream.

Without thinking, he dropped the pasta, jumped over the counter (grabbing the KrEbStAr on the way over) and threw open the kitchen door. A million thoughts flooded him as he booked it down the hallway - tallying potential threats, what might he find when he arrived, what could scare Kravitz, _oh Istus where was Angus-_

That question, at least, was answered when he nearly collided with the teenager, who was barreling down the hallway with several dogs hot on his trail as fast as his 15 year old legs could take him. Like Taako, he had his wand at the ready, glasses askew and wide-eyed with alarm.

“The front door,” Taako said, and the two of them turned as one, barging into the front hall, magical foci at the ready and backed by half a dozen dogs-

“Help!”

Kravitz was backed against the doorway, holding the dull end of his scythe between himself and the dogs trying to crowd around him. Taako scanned the room, ears pricked, searching for the threat… but nothing jumped out at him.

“Taako,” Kravitz called plaintively, and Taako looked over to his boyfriend again, perplexed. He was still in his work getup, all skeletor spooky-scary and shit, and while most would have had difficulty reading his expression, Taako could see the desperation glowing in the fire of his eyesockets. One of the dogs dared to inch closer, snuffling curiously, tail wagging like it would fall off, and Kravitz quickly shifted his scythe, almost falling over in the process. That’s when Taako spotted the problem.

Another quick look around the room confirmed it. One older dog over in the corner was proudly gnawing on Kravitz’s femur. A couple puppies off to one side were playing tug-o-war with his tibia and fibula… he wasn’t sure where Krav’s foot had gone, but another pooch was chewing on a fancy black boot that Taako recognized - hopefully, the foot was still inside.

Next to him, Angus tried and failed to stifle a snicker at the whole situation, and Kravitz gave them a look of dismay and betrayl when Taako didn’t bother to hide his. “Looks like you didn’t think this through, huh bones? Arugula, you get the mutts away from him, I’ll pick up the pieces.”

“S-sure thing, sir!” Angus chirped, managing to squash his laughter long enough to give Kravitz a sympathetic look. “C’mon, guys, let’s not crowd Kravitz. Heel, everyone!”

Fortunately, as unruly as they were without directions, they were still good dogs. Angus’s voice got their attention, and “heel” brought most of them running as Angus led them deeper into the house. Taako waded through the furry flood as they went, plucking Kravitz’s lower leg from the puppies, who lost interest and went to join the rest of the dogs. The boot was abandoned, and Kravitz carefully hooked it over to him with his scythe.

The older dog with his femur, however, gave Taako a disinterested glance, and continued gnawing determinedly on the ball joint.

“Boy, I hope you can’t feel that, Krav,” he said, picking up the other end. The old dog tugged at her side, unwilling to relinquish her prize.

“I absolutely can,” Kravitz replied in a strained voice. Taako heard him hop over beside him, leaning on his scythe for balance.

“That bites, m’dude- no, _no_ , I see you looking,” Taako warned. The girl’s ears drooped, and she stopped eying Kravitz’s other leg, choosing instead to give Taako the saddest eyes she could manage.

He just snorted. “Sorry, pooch, but if it doesn’t work for Magnus, it’s certainly not gonna work for you. _I_ _’m_ the only one allowed to jump this boy’s bones, so drop it.”

With a reluctant whine, she opened her jaw, her end of the femur dropping to the floor with a _thunk_. Taako handed it quickly to Kravitz, before reaching forward and giving her a small rewarding scratch behind the ear.

“Good girl. Alright, go find Ango.”

Her ears pricked at “find,” and she got to her feet, tail wagging, and trotted off to find the boy.

Safely behind Taako, Kravitz heaved a sigh of relief. “ _Thank_ you.” Carefully, he put his leg together, then back into place, moving it experimentally before letting muscle and flesh melt over him. Taako watched, bemused, as his skull transformed into a handsome, embarrassed face.

“Not one of your brightest moments, eh stud?” he teased. He gave him a quick, apologetic kiss.

“No, I’d- I’d definitely say not.” His voice had all the resignation of a man who’s death warrant had been signed, and Taako knew why - he was _never_ going to let Kravitz live this down.

Still, though, let it never be said he was without mercy.

“C’mon, now that you’re not a dog’s walking daydream, I was about to start dinner. You can come help me in the dog-free zone while Ango manages the mutt-mob. Sound good?”

Kravitz sighed again, more at ease this time. “That sounds great. But, um…” he hesitated, reaching out to lace his fingers with Taako’s. “Maybe… don’t tell Lup and Barry about this?”

… _oh_ , that was a tough one to promise, but with Kravitz making those pitiful eyes… “I won’t bring it up,” he said. Kravitz rolled his eyes.

“That’s the best I’m gonna get, hmm?” Taako laughed.

“You know me, babe. If it makes you feel any better, you can _bet_ I’m gonna see it happen to them before I ever tell them about it.”

Kravitz tutted. “Well that’s just cruel, dear.”

“Your smile says otherwise.”

“Well, I do like a good joke,” Kravitz admitted slowly, but Taako was right - his smile gave him away. “So, what were you saying about dinner and a dog-free zone?”


End file.
